Keep your pants on

These days it seems every month, week or day is associated with some sort of cause and November is no exception. In November, it's time to face one of the most heinous of world problems, namely Pantslessness.

I recently received a press release proclaiming November as "Pants Awareness Month." It was sent to me by San Francisco-based retailer Courdarounds as a promotional gig for their pants which, I must admit, if I lived in a different climate I'd totally buy.

In the release they say "Every autumn, millions of American men tragically go pantless while their fellow citizens turn a blind eye. This is the terrible affliction known as 'Pantlessteria' -- more commonly referred to as 'Sansapant Syndrome,' 'Trousernot', or 'Nay Slacks disease'."

Clever, and not entirely unbelievable, I thought. Just last weekend I was at dinner in Houston with my parents when our waitress was distracted by a scantily dressed woman walking by outside. The waitress looked at me and said, "Don't you think she's cold?"

Clearly women sometimes forget to cover themselves from the waste down so who are we to say that men could not be afflicted by this same wanton carelessness? Sure, this might be a fake issue, invented to sell really comfortable-looking corduroy pants I have no business wearing in Southeast Texas, but still...it could be real.

Which is why we men should make sure to adhere to the following checklist before leaving the house:
1) Check for wallet. If your hand grazes buttock, you're not wearing pants.
2) Check your fly. If your hand grazes crotch, you're not wearing pants.
3) Check for keys. If your hand grazes hip bone (which is connected to the leg bone, BTW) you're not wearing pants.

Following these three simple steps can help us eradicate this nonexistent problem before it never starts. Who's with me?