'Valkyrie' - the condensed version

So I'm one of those kids who grew up loving Top Gun. My cousins and I wore out two versions of it on videotape; my vocabulary is liberally peppered with quotes like, "Negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full"; and I can bust out with the entire theme song even though it doesn't have words - those of you with me on this are now rocking, "Nah nah NAHHH nah-nah nah-nah-nahhh..." in your head.

My point is that I grew up thinking Tom Cruise was awesome, but now there's an entire generation who will only think he's a Napoleonic nutjob who worships aliens.

And, while that's sorta true, when I went to see Valkyrie yesterday, part of me really wanted him to come off as cool in this film about a group of German soldiers who plotted to kill Hitler in 1944, simply because I thought it would be great if he were great once again.

WARNING: Spoilers below

Sadly, this role didn't rescue him from the couch-jumping egomaniac he appears to have become. He did an adequate job in the film - which I mostly credit to the fantastic supporting cast, and director Bryan Singer's ability to wring suspense out of even the driest scenario - but it wasn't enough for a comeback.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that Valkyrie is a great tale of history and worth seeing, but maybe just rent it, because it's no Top Gun, and I think if Goose were alive today he'd feel just as ambivalent.

Or read the condensed version below and decide for yourself.

VALKYRIE
Tom Cruise: North Africa is lost. The Germans are finished. We're so doomed, I can't even speak in German for the rest of this German story about German heroes in Germany.

Nazi General: Aren't you a German?

Tom Cruise: No I'm a Scientologist.

Nazi General: R-i-i-i-g-h-t. (slowly steps away with hand on wallet)

(Back in Berlin)

Kenneth Branagh: Our recent plot to kill Hitler failed. We've got to stop buying explosives from ACME.

Coup leader: You military people are ruining this operation.

Kenneth Branagh: I may be in the military, but I can recite the ENTIRE works of Shakespeare. Even the sonnets. Test me. I DARE YOU.

Coup leader: No thanks. Who's that?

Tom Cruise: I'm Claus von Stauffengburg, but you may call me Tom Cruise, or your lordship.

Coup leader: Ummm...right. Anyway, how do we kill Hitler?

Tom Cruise: I know! I know!

Coup leader: You...the little one in the back who looks like that bartender from Cocktail. What do you think?

Tom Cruise: I propose Operation Valkyrie.

Coup leader: I forshadow it will fail but, to move the plot along, I say we go with it.

Tom Cruise: Thanks. Kenneth Branagh, I'm going to need you to leave the screen for the rest of the movie. The thing is...you're taller than me, and you make it painfully obvious that I'm really not that good of an actor.

Kenneth Branagh: No problem. I have the Annual British Iambic Pentameter Convention to attend anyway.

Tom Cruise: Just go.

Tom Wilkinson: I will NOT go!

Tom Cruise: No one is asking you to-

Tom Wilkinson: I outrank you! Ich bin berliner!

Tom Cruise: I think you're taking this "method acting" thing a little far.

Tom Wilkinson: Sig heil! Say it.

Tom Cruise: The thing is I don't really feel comfortable-

Tom Wilkinson: SAY IT!

Tom Cruise: Sigh...fine. Heil Xenu!

Tom Wilkinson: Isn't that the made up, sci-fi alien god from that Ponzi scheme you run with John Travolta?

Tom Cruise: (Stamps foot) Scientology is an established religion!

Tom Wilkinson: Whatever. You're under arrest for plotting to kill Hitler and for reducing your 'awesome quotient' to almost nothing.

Tom Cruise: But...but...I feel the need for speed?

Tom Wilkinson: Not any more, you don't

The End