Molly Hartley the RocknRolla Changeling Makes a Porno

Yesterday evening I spent some time in Bridge City, TX where I met a monkey named Mickey. Check back for more on that...I'm still waiting for the pictures.

In the mean time, here's my take on the four wide-release films opening this week, based solely on TV/online trailers and posters - because here at MEvBLOG we tend to jump to conclusions about these sorts of things...

Changeling - Looks like the story of Daisy Buchanan from The Great Gatsby starring Angelina Jolie. After J. Gatsby bites it (sorry to ruin this for any readers who are freshmen in high school), she has a son, loses him, gets him back, but he's..."changed." Is directed by Clint Eastwood so check your will to live at the theater doors.

Haunting of Molly Hartley - Texan heartthrob Chace Crawford stares intently, I mean...um..."acts" as his friend Molly is haunted when she turns 18. It's unclear as to whether or not robo-calls are involved in the haunting.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Elizabeth Banks and the guy from Knocked Up - who kinda resembles my college friend Tom - can't pay their bills so they decide to break into the adult film industry. Apparently a theater in Utah has banned this film, the same theater that also banned Brokeback Mountain, but has Saw V playing on five screens.

RocknRolla - Guy Ritchie's latest fast-paced, crime movie - the only one I really wanted to see this weekend - isn't opening in the Mont. I assume that's so we can all have plenty of chances to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua (Thanks local theaters!). If you live elsewhere you should go see this to support Ritchie who, in a combined state of lapsed judgment and fiscal opportunism, chose to live with Madonna for eight years. If faced with that choice, I'd rather sit through a continuous loop of the chihuahua movie.

CLICK HERE for Southeast Texas movie tickets and show times...

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Well played Phillies, well played

Many Southeast Texans might disagree with me, due to misplaced Southern solidarity, but I'm pumped that the Phillies won the World Series. It reminded me of the Mike Schmidt hey-days and makes my Pennsylvanian brother and sister-in-law happy, so that's nice.

So the Phillies totally deserved it, but to be perfectly honest, I'm actually happiest about their win because of these two in-your-face reasons that bring me inexplicable delight:

1) Brad Lidge is the King of the Mound - I'm convinced the Houston Astros organization is managed by a group of toddlers actually trying to run the team into the ground. It's like every day over there is Opposite Day where "smart decision making" translates into doing stupid things like letting Brad Lidge go to Philadelphia last year. So, good for Lidge. I'm happy to see he's done well for himself and escaped the play pen of Minute Maid Park.

2) Tampa Bay Loses - I'll admit in front of God and the Internet that I'm a Red Sox fan. So seeing the Rays lose, especially while shivering in the chilly weather made for a satisfying result. Besides, I feel like teams not around when I was born shouldn't be allowed to beat a historical team like the Phillies. Just doesn't seem right to me. Oh and NO MORE COWBELL is a gift to everyone.

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Is it next Wednesday yet?

Politics has always been a love of mine, but even I'm getting tired of the Presidential race. It's great that the country is all, "Yay, Politics!" but it's kinda starting to feel like the 4th quarter of a football game after a whole day of tailgating.

Here's what I mean...

For an 4 o'clock game game, you start to party around late-morning or lunchtime - that's America 21 months ago. It's all a little fuzzy, right? Remember Romney? Huckabee? Hillary?!

By kickoff, you're feeling pretty good and are psyched because you got past security with your flask by stuffing it in your crotch (don't judge) - that's the USA circa-2008 primary season.

Then the 3rd quarter rolls around and you feel hot and tired from boozin' it up in the sun all day. Welcome to the post-Olympics, pre-conventions lull in August.

Then there's an unexpected interception-then-fumble in the 4th quarter (Sarah Palin), a reliable 5th-year comes off the bench (Bill Ayers), and the team from the richest school readies for an upset (Obama + $600 million in funding).

When the game's over half your friends are passed out by the grill, and the other half want to go out and "celebrate," but all you really want to do is go home, shower and take a nap with your dog.

I guess what I'm saying is...America, can we call this thing already? I need a shower and a nap.

BTW...Wyatt Cenac from The Daily Show agrees with me.

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Rail Rant

I totally support public transportation and wish that there was a subway or light rail of some sort here in The Mont. Sadly there isn't, so I'll continue to overpay for gas and drive myself everywhere, dodging Louisiana drivers who don't know about A) the blinker, and B) the gas pedal.

In addition to our fair neighbors from the East - who are VERY familiar with the brake pedal, by the way - whoever is in charge of the SE Texas railroad also foils my daily commute by unleashing the World's Slowest Train any time I try to get through downtown Beaumont.

(And by "any" time, I mean "every" time.)

Thanks to the Brilliant City Planners of Yore, going ALL the way around downtown is the only option to avoid said Train, other than playing "automotive statue" for about a half hour with my fellow drivers.

Why so long a wait? Did I mention it's the SLOWEST TRAIN EVER. Seriously, it's like Thomas the Train pulls this thing.

Why can't I plan my day around it? I'd love to, if it ran on a schedule other than whenever I happen to be driving to work - this is not a German train, folks.

In the Train's defense, the poor thing looks so old and beaten down even hobos probably don't ride it. Though, if you ask Baby Boomer hobos, this new generation of hobos doesn't know the meaning of hard hobo-work, so I can't really qualify that statement.

Anyway, I'm all for taking time to stop and smell the roses and, let's be honest, sitting still for a few minutes is probably a good thing.

I do like to remain active, so until an enterprising young hobo sets up a newsstand by the tracks, I'm going to start keeping a book or crossword puzzle with me to pass the time. It'll also help when I get stuck behind a Louisiana driver.

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Who wants their MTV back?

I'm not sure why - though I'd like to think it's because MTV harkened back to the days when they were the best thing on cable because you could watch awesome music videos and, every once in a while, catch a cool show (Week in Rock, Yo! MTV Raps, House of Style, anyone??) - but someone at MTV had the brilliant idea to put EVERY SINGLE MUSIC VIDEO EVER online.

So, forget for a second that MTV is currently a reality TV cesspool (I'm sorry, but The Hills is stupid, and how many times can the Real World/Road Rules people run shirtless through an obstacle course before getting a job?), and remember how awesome it was back in the day.

This day marks a victory for internet abusers at offices across the nation.

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All the news They fit to print

Don't get me wrong, I love me some New York Times - especially on Sunday mornings this time of year when drinking coffee and doing the crossword puzzle makes me feel smarter (until its editor, Will Shortz, starts "inventing" words I don't know just to humiliate me in front of...my coffee. Because when you live alone you sometimes feel like your food judges you).

Anyway, like I was saying, I'm familiar with the NYT, which is why I was not surprised when it categorically endorsed Barack Obama for President. The Times is legendarily liberal and, while I love it, can be a snot-nosed, goodie-two-shoes kind of paper.

It's like the girl who rushed to the bathroom and started crying because she got a 97 instead of a 100 on the Physics test. Outwardly you loathed her, but inside you kinda wanted to be her. Or at least date her so she'd do your homework for you.

On the other hand, The Beaumont Enterprise decided to endorse John McCain, which makes us the Camaro-driving star football player who's dating the bookish-but-hot-glasses-wearing head cheerleader. And who doesn't want to be THAT guy, am I right?

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I blog, therefore I am...no really.

It seems that The Beaumont Enterprise felt it fitting to give me an outlet for all my thoughts, musings and observations on food, entertainment and other pursuits stemming from "the Mont" (a phrase that, BTW, I thought was AWESOME and would make Beaumont a house-hold name across the nation, but met with some questionable laughter and dismissal by my editors as "silly" and "not cool at all." Whatever.)

Why let the snarky features writer have blatant access to Southeast Texas and, ultimately, the world? Why let him loose, unsupervised, to possibly embarrass our fine newspaper?

My guess is because I walked around the newsroom every day shouting, "I'm SOMEBODY! GIVE ME A BLOG!" but who knows for sure. Anyway, check back here every day for a dose of the funny combined with some random (please, so I can stay employed and continue feeding my dog!).

Now, take me...TO THE BLOG!

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