So...we at MEvBLOG have covered enough ground regarding resolutions on behalf of other people in the previous parts of our series THINGS WE WOULD CHANGE IF WE RULED THE WORLD.
That's why, I'd like to dedicate the final installment - and our last post of 2008 - to an open letter from all of us here to everyone who makes important decisions at Time Warner Cable.
Dear Important Decision-Making People at Time Warner Cable,
Well done sirs and madams! You have managed to create a fervor on par with that of our good friends over at FEMA.
When it comes to public relations disasters, this is one for 2008 that will rank up there with local cops claiming sex with prostitutes is part of the job and rat heads found in cans of green beans.
It's almost like you learned nothing from spin/puppet-master Ted Turner who practically invented you - he could make money, lose money, make money, lose money, buy/sell the Atlanta Braves, be sued, get indicted, divorce/alienate Jane Fonda and still make us believe mustaches are cool.
Our point here, T-Dubs, is that you're not just making Southeast Texans mad - a well-armed group of folks that, personally, we'd like on our side. No, you're stirring it up with the entire nation.
Keeping only us from watching ABC and NBC is one thing, but forcing the entire nation to abandon 19 of Viacom's channels is really reaching for the stars.
We don't particularly care for The Hills (MTV), or Rock of Love (VH1), or Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon), but we do love us some Daily Show (Comedy Central) and can't imagine the beginning of a new political season without Jon Stewart, et al.
So for that last reason - and also because we love college football and won't be able to watch most of the important bowl games this weekend - we'll probably take our $49.95 per-month-plus-inexplicable-"Fees" and head elsewhere.
Like to DirectTV. Or Dish Network. Or the Internet. (We're especially excited about that last one because we hear it's free)
We'd like to be fair and assume that you have a valid point of view in this kerfuffle but, frankly, we don't care.
That's the funny thing about PR disasters - no matter how much history you have overcharging your customers, they're never willing to hear why you should be allowed to continue your monopoly.
However, we do wish you a Happy New Year, and all the best with your stock price in 2009!
Sincerely,
MEvBLOG
P.S. Seriously people in SE, TX are armed and they do love The Hills. You really should be a tad scared.
Ed. Note - It looks like SE, TX will get to hang on to ABC and NBC after all. Let's see how the rest of the country fares with the Viacom channels...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Be it resolved...Part III - Time Warner Edition
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Be it resolved...Part II
Southeast Texas, here we find ourselves at an annual impasse of time.
2009 is encroaching upon us and we at MEvBLOG are taking a few moments to impart our unsolicited opinions on what changes those with power and fame should make.
Frankly, it's a whole lot easier than looking around at the glaringly obvious changes we should be making in our own life - something we may/may not plan to tackle mid-January-ish.
Anyway, in the second edition of THINGS WE WOULD CHANGE IF WE RULED THE WORLD, here are a few more things we'd like to see rectified next year .
Pay BISD's superintendent LESS money when kids don't graduate and get into college. Hey...if students are held back and funding is denied schools because of standardized test results, Dr. Carrol Thomas should have some sort of standard that dictates whether or not he receives his ridiculous salary (which is more than Vice-President-elect Joe Biden will earn in 2009...BTW).
Keep Amy Poehler on 'Saturday Night Live.' She's the funniest woman on SNL since Tina Fey left. We love Kristen Wiig, but Poehler will sacrifice her self-esteem in order to make us laugh, no matter what - sort of like Sarah Palin, but on purpose. We think the producers should invent a contractual obligation that keeps her in the cast, and us watching, because nobody really enjoys a lone Seth Myers at the Weekend Update desk.
Force Sarah Palin to stay in the news. Speaking of Palin...hey...stop with the jeering already! If she stays, we get more Tina Fey. How 'bout that, huh? You're with us now.
No more hurricanes. Mother Nature will be on forced leave for 2009. Official reason? She's too exhausted from raising twin toddlers Katrina and Rita, adopted exchange student Humberto, and surprise newborn Ike, to produce any more hell raising kiddos.
No more 70 year-old women are allowed to give birth. Unless the human race is nearing extinction in 2009, science should cease fire on the geriatric fertility front. And if an apocalypse of that scale does happen, we will be curious to find out how the 70 year-old woman beat out the rest of humanity for survival.
Pay BISD's superintendent LESS money. Period. I mean, I'm merely asking...is he REALLY worth over $300,000 a year?
Got some of your own ideas for 2009? Hit us up at mdanelo@beaumontenterprise.com or in the Comments section.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Be it resolved...Part I
On Christmas Days of yore, after the enjoyable yet long hours of family bonding, my friend Brooke and I used to cap off the night at the neighborhood pub with Cocktails and Resolutions.
We'd write what we wanted to accomplish in the next year on cocktail napkins, while trying not to smudge out those goals by spilling our drinks.
SIDENOTE: Check it out, Southeast Texas...If you're ever bored at a bar, making lists of any kind on cocktail napkins is a surefire way to spark conversation. Plus, the staff might think your reviewing the place and bring you free drinks.
Anyway, Cocktails and Resolutions didn't happen this year, but I'm determined for the spirit of it to live on in this blog which is why I'm devoting the last three posts in 2008 to...
THINGS WE WOULD CHANGE IF WE RULED THE WORLD!
If we - this means both me and YOU, dear readers - were put in charge of everything in 2009 this is what we would do differently.
This is YOUR chance to speak up and share those opinions only heard in 2008 over drinks at your own neighborhood pub. Hit me via e-mail (mdanelo@beaumontenterprise.com) or in the Comments section with what you'd change, and I'll fold them into the next two posts.
PART I - Resolutions We'd Make on Behalf of Famous People
From a quick poll I took around The Beaumont Enterprise, here's what some of my fellow news professionals think certain stars should decide to do in 2009.
Micheal Moore - Embrace the simple life of a hermit.
Amy Winehouse - Take a bath...with soap, not gin. Then repeat. Daily.
Jerry Jones - Sell the cowboys. Then retire from sports. Forever. (We also suggest this to the owners of the Astros)
Bret Michaels - Accept bachelorhood. This viewing audience no longer wants to stay in your house and rock your world.
Tyra Banks - Invest in some sort of pharmaceutical that makes you adhere to one state of mind at a time.
Katie Perry - Put on some pants.
John Cusak - Make a good movie again. We beg you. Say Anything and Gross Pointe Blank changed our lives, and we're ready for your comeback.
Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie - Hibernate.
Jennifer Aniston - Stop talking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Terrell Owens - Grow up.
Aretha Franklin & Willie Nelson - Play in the Mont annually.
Got something to add? We're all ears here at MEvBLOG...
Friday, December 26, 2008
'Valkyrie' - the condensed version
So I'm one of those kids who grew up loving Top Gun. My cousins and I wore out two versions of it on videotape; my vocabulary is liberally peppered with quotes like, "Negative, Ghostrider, the pattern is full"; and I can bust out with the entire theme song even though it doesn't have words - those of you with me on this are now rocking, "Nah nah NAHHH nah-nah nah-nah-nahhh..." in your head.
My point is that I grew up thinking Tom Cruise was awesome, but now there's an entire generation who will only think he's a Napoleonic nutjob who worships aliens.
And, while that's sorta true, when I went to see Valkyrie yesterday, part of me really wanted him to come off as cool in this film about a group of German soldiers who plotted to kill Hitler in 1944, simply because I thought it would be great if he were great once again.
WARNING: Spoilers below
Sadly, this role didn't rescue him from the couch-jumping egomaniac he appears to have become. He did an adequate job in the film - which I mostly credit to the fantastic supporting cast, and director Bryan Singer's ability to wring suspense out of even the driest scenario - but it wasn't enough for a comeback.
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that Valkyrie is a great tale of history and worth seeing, but maybe just rent it, because it's no Top Gun, and I think if Goose were alive today he'd feel just as ambivalent.
Or read the condensed version below and decide for yourself.
VALKYRIE
Tom Cruise: North Africa is lost. The Germans are finished. We're so doomed, I can't even speak in German for the rest of this German story about German heroes in Germany.
Nazi General: Aren't you a German?
Tom Cruise: No I'm a Scientologist.
Nazi General: R-i-i-i-g-h-t. (slowly steps away with hand on wallet)
(Back in Berlin)
Kenneth Branagh: Our recent plot to kill Hitler failed. We've got to stop buying explosives from ACME.
Coup leader: You military people are ruining this operation.
Kenneth Branagh: I may be in the military, but I can recite the ENTIRE works of Shakespeare. Even the sonnets. Test me. I DARE YOU.
Coup leader: No thanks. Who's that?
Tom Cruise: I'm Claus von Stauffengburg, but you may call me Tom Cruise, or your lordship.
Coup leader: Ummm...right. Anyway, how do we kill Hitler?
Tom Cruise: I know! I know!
Coup leader: You...the little one in the back who looks like that bartender from Cocktail. What do you think?
Tom Cruise: I propose Operation Valkyrie.
Coup leader: I forshadow it will fail but, to move the plot along, I say we go with it.
Tom Cruise: Thanks. Kenneth Branagh, I'm going to need you to leave the screen for the rest of the movie. The thing is...you're taller than me, and you make it painfully obvious that I'm really not that good of an actor.
Kenneth Branagh: No problem. I have the Annual British Iambic Pentameter Convention to attend anyway.
Tom Cruise: Just go.
Tom Wilkinson: I will NOT go!
Tom Cruise: No one is asking you to-
Tom Wilkinson: I outrank you! Ich bin berliner!
Tom Cruise: I think you're taking this "method acting" thing a little far.
Tom Wilkinson: Sig heil! Say it.
Tom Cruise: The thing is I don't really feel comfortable-
Tom Wilkinson: SAY IT!
Tom Cruise: Sigh...fine. Heil Xenu!
Tom Wilkinson: Isn't that the made up, sci-fi alien god from that Ponzi scheme you run with John Travolta?
Tom Cruise: (Stamps foot) Scientology is an established religion!
Tom Wilkinson: Whatever. You're under arrest for plotting to kill Hitler and for reducing your 'awesome quotient' to almost nothing.
Tom Cruise: But...but...I feel the need for speed?
Tom Wilkinson: Not any more, you don't
The End
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas to The Mont!
Because I'm a benevolent blog editor I'm letting the staff at MEvBLOG (me) take the rest of today and all of tomorrow off.
We'll be back in a couple days with more informative observations that make you grin, and to ponder the question of who's responsible for the massive failure in urban planning that is Dowlen Road - ALL the stores on just ONE street...REALLY??? - but for now we bid you all the fondness of the holidays.
Thanks for reading us, thus far! Whether you're celebrating Hanukkah or Christmas this week, we wish you a wonderful time with your families and friends.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
The game of credit
Dane Cook - a comedian who, at one point, was funny and now just stars in bad movies - used to do a bit about "Monopoly." He said playing the board game was all good fun until nine hours later it's, like, three o'clock in the morning and you're yelling obscenities at your relatives over a 2"x3" square of cardboard "property."
Sounds like a classic family moment, right? And if you're interested in reliving this sort of scenario, but with a modern, recessional twist, The Economist magazine has developed a game for you called "Credit Crunch."
According to Kevin Kallaugher, the game's creator, "Our board game pits players against each other and encourages them to pick on the weakest, kick opponents when they are down and generally manifest all the characteristics that bring success in the financial world."
And these are just the lessons we want to highlight from the string of bad decisions that got us into this financial debacle, right?
Here are some highlights of the game:
1. Pennies replace dice - Instead of throwing dice, in "Credit Crunch" you cast real pennies. Heads means you move forward and tails means you go back. I assume this is because pretending that fake money is real kinda parallels the thinking that got Americans into this mess.
2. Make your own money - You can print your own money - but not too much, because that could be bad for your "economy" - and it comes in denominations of millions. 
There are also "Financial Risk" cards that bring you tidings of both good and bad economic karma like, "Get out of Chapter 11," or "Genealogists discover you are related to Freddie Mac, Move another player ahead two spaces."
3. Escape into Chapter 11 - If you need money, you can borrow from the bank or another player - everyone sets their own interest rates. If you're in so much debt, and can’t persuade anybody else to lend to you, you can declare bankruptcy. In the game, you can go bankrupt three times before you lose. Unfortunately, there is no "Government Bailout" card.
4. Takeover! - The idea is to be the last solvent player remaining, so eliminate your competition by any means necessary. Kicking players when their down is rewarded, especially when you can put them in a hole of debt so deep, they have no choice but to give you all their remaining assets.
So, this holiday season, when you're fretting about how to fix that Ike-riddled roof, or worried about the money you lost in your 401K, or concerned that there's not enough in the bank to pay your son's/daughter's tuition bill, remember that the good people at The Economist think you should look for the humor in it all. I assume Dane Cook would be proud.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Splitting hairs...and the check
According to a press release from Simon & Schuster, two Money magazine columnists wrote a book about the fine art of splitting the check, and have compiled their top five check-splitting horror stories of 2008.
Everyone loves year-end lists, and many Southeast Texans will probably have to endure some sort of divide-the-ticket-among-crazy-family-members fiasco over the next couple weeks, I thought I'd post their tales.
Enjoy. And feel free to submit your own horror story in the Comments section. Make it your Christmas present to me. I promise not to return it.
TOP 5 CHECK SPLITTING HORROR STORIES OF 2008
by Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz
1. Surprise! Now pay - A friend invited us to his home for a surprise 40th birthday party for his wife. A week before the event, he called to say he’d had to move the party to a restaurant because it had gotten too big for their house. It was a great bash—except that, as soon as we’d all sung “Happy Birthday” and the birthday girl finished opening her gifts, the waiters delivered checks to each guest for a portion of the bill.
2. 70/30 is halvsies, right? - When my college roommate and her family came to town, she proposed our families get together. Our daughter was away at camp, but my husband and I arranged to meet Jennifer, her husband and their two teenage sons for dinner at a destination restaurant they wanted to try. When the check arrived, her husband said “Why don’t we just split this down the middle? That seems easiest.”
3. Thanks for the donation...and lunch - After a year of discussions, I agreed to contribute a considerable amount of money to my alma mater to endow a chair for the History department. When I met with the head of the development office to sign the final papers, he proposed we go out for a celebratory lunch. At his suggestion, we went to an upscale place; then, when the bill arrived, he said: “Too bad we’re a non-profit institution. Otherwise, I’d fight you for that check.”
4. Mine's free, yours isn't - Recently, a friend suggested we try a new cafe that’s a lot pricier than the sandwich shops where we usually meet for lunch. So we went and had a nice, though expensive, meal. But then, instead of splitting the check as we always do, (he) pulled out a buy-one-meal-get-one-free coupon he’d found in a newspaper and said “This pays for my lunch. Let me know what I owe you for the tip.”
5. Welcome! Hope you remembered your checkbook! - My husband’s well-heeled aunt and uncle, whom we rarely see except at big family events, invited us to dinner at their home. We accepted and, of course, took along a nice bottle of wine. At the end of the evening, our hosts thanked us warmly for coming, then told us we owed them thirty bucks to cover the cost of our food. And, no, they weren’t kidding.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Auto Bailout, Part Deux
It's raining blog fodder this morning, Southeast Texas - which is not surprising since it's been actually raining every morning here for the past MANY days straight - right before the temperature drops to somewhere in the 40's or spikes to the mid-70's. (Al Gore, call me. We have a slight climate problem here in The Mont.)
Anyway, I'm really talking about this morning's announcement of a $17.4 billion auto industry bailout - actually less than I thought they'd get - taken out of the $700 billion financial bailout kitty.
Now, I haven't had much time to put on my thinking cap and scrutinize the fine print of this deal, but there are a few things that jumped out at me when I first read about it.
1. Thanks, but no thanks - is what Ford said to this bailout. The company claims to be able to restructure without the need of a short-term government loan, and opted out of receiving any bailout money saying, "That's cool, we're good with the enormous tax loopholes you already created for us."
2. Three Months - is how long GM and Chrysler have to come up with a sound restructuring plan or else they have to pay back their loans. I'm thinking of suggesting this for my student loans in the following way: "Dear Lender, If I just come up with a solid plan for my future in three months - not necessarily a path I'm bound to, but simply JUST a plan - I would like to opt out of repaying my student loans." I think it will go over smashingly well.
3. Stock Options - in the two companies could be exercised by the government, which would make the American auto industry partially nationalized. This is the ONLY major string that I see attached to the bailout and could be the reason why Ford opted out. (See #1)
Bottom Line - Despite my original suggestion of how to handle this, it's raining governmental money for mismanaged industries from Wall Street to Motor City, while in The Mont...it's just raining.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Me and My Monkey
Yes, that's me in Janice Cox's Bridge City FEMA trailer (again) with Mickey the Monkey (again) who I seriously can NOT get enough of.
Last time I saw Mickey, he was somewhat averse to me, until I plied him with my charming wit, a bottomless cup of grape juice, and the promise to lobby the government for a bailout of the banana industry.
However, as you can see, things were different on this visit and he was much friendlier, even though his wide-eyed stare in this picture looks like he's thinking, "What is this oafish creature, and why is he so happy to be pointing at me?"
I went back to Bridge City this week to check on the progress of some families hit pretty hard by Hurricane Ike and saw that things are improving, but at a very slow pace.
Many are trying to make the best of things during the holidays by decorating their FEMA trailers and spending as much time with loved ones as possible, but it still pretty rough. Even Mickey is having a tough time and, according to Cox, doesn't like staying inside when the weather gets too cold for him.
When I asked if Mickey was housebroken, Cox just laughed and said, "I don't even want to go there!"
The Bailout - Coming this January
As mentioned before, I'm not a fan of the current auto-bailout-situation-thing that's happening right now but, since it's doubtful anyone in either Detroit or D.C. will take my advice, I'm resigned to chilling in Southeast Texas and making the best of the situation - a natural defense mechanism I had no choice but to pick up in middle school.
Anyway, an alert reader named "Maurice" sent me the following fake ad below which might as well be real because it's awesome. And sorta true.
In case you don't have a magnifying glass handy, here's what the copy says...
"You probably thought it was smart to buy a foreign import of superior quality, with better mileage and resale value. Maybe you even thought that years of market share loss might prod us into rethinking our process and redesigning our products with better quality in mind. But you forgot one thing: we spend a ----load of money on lobbyists. So now you're out $25 billion, plus the cost of your Subaru. Maybe next time you'll buy American like a real man. Either way, we're cool."
The ad is edited - not because I don't value the first amendment, but because my mom reads this blog - though I think it's point is clear.
The tag line at the bottom perfectly sums up the hubris of American automakers - "We're The Big Three. We Don't Need to Compete."
And you know what, they're right. When it comes to a colossal act of fiscal arrogance that's been slowly crippling a tent pole American industry for the past 25 years or so, they win hands down.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Take the 'White Christmas' challenge
When you live most of your life in Texas, you don't experience many white Christmases, though they don't seem as far fetched as before.
No matter. Since we can't celebrate them here, we might as well sing about them. It's called "living vicariously" - a motto I adopted several years ago when I started singing Long Neck Bottle by Garth Brooks during a rough day at work instead of heading to the nearest bar at 2 p.m. - and it can also be applied in a festive way for the holidays.
That's why two of my colleagues - the brilliant Ashley Sanders and talented Seames O'Grady - came up with a montage of White Christmas covers by 10 artists, mixed them together, and created a contest.
Whoever guesses the most artists in the montage will win an $15 iTunes gift card and bragging rights as the knowingest White Christmas cover song expert. Feel free to add that to your resume if you win.
CLICK HERE TO PLAY!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Two stories, both alike in dignity...
Often in journalism you run across stories so delightfully far-fetched that you couldn't make them up if you tried (which we don't, despite what some may think). Right now, the media is at the midst of such a crossroads, with the scandal involving Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich and the Iraqi Shoe-ing of President Bush this weekend.
What's that Southeast Texas? You're only vaguely familiar with the first, and kinda-sorta with the second? Allow me to share my my take on the "Two Greatest Stories That Make Us Forget About the Crumbling Economy Right Now."
Blagojevich, Blagojevich, Blagojevich!
Did you hear the one about the governor who yelled and swore at his people for not protecting his favorite hair brush?
How about his acid-tounged wife who used her husband's political office for real estate gain?
The now infamously potty-mouthed (and well-coiffed) governor, as well as his Lady MacBeth-ish wife, are cautionary tales for governors everywhere who've been caught both publicly swearing and auctioning off the President-elect's vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder.
Did you hear that Rick Perry? You're a one Senate seat on eBay away from being Blagojevich-ed.
He took a size 10 to the face
On this one, I'm torn in two ways.
One one hand, the United States did liberate Iraq from a terrible dictator who was mercilessly torturing and killing people. Conventional wisdom says Iraqis would thank the USA for that.
But, on the other hand, that same conventional wisdom is Ameri-centric and shows how we neglected to evaluate all the religious and cultural implications of our invasion, resulting in what future historians will probably refer to as "That Ginormous Catastrophe of Epic Proportions in Iraq from Which There Seemed No Escape."
And, on one hand, while Bush is still President (for what seems like the longest final month of a sitting President ever, right?) he still deserves to be treated with respect.
But on the other, when I first heard about his recent "Shoe-ing" by an Iraqi journalist, my immediate reaction was to giggle uncontrollably.
Because, honestly, who throws a shoe? Reall, really, really mad Arabs, that's who.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Russians and Titans and Heismans - Oh My!
It's a beautiful Monday here in Southeast Texas and there is a LOT going on in the world today, so instead of only one post, I've got several condensed briefs for you - I'm a giver, after all.
SIDENOTE: You'll notice the newspaper in today's photo is in Greek. DON'T PANIC. It's just the only fitting (free) picture I could find online. This is not a snapshot of any forthcoming redesign at The Beaumont Enterprise - we're not trading our boudin for baklava any time soon.
This was a big weekend for many, and I don't just mean the Texans who, after a lame season, beat the Titans yesterday - to the surprise the 70,000+ Houstonians, most who were at the game to glimpse hometown hero, Vince Young.
THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING...BACK
Russia announced today that they will be sending warships to Cuba for the first time since the Soviet Era. Supposedly, they will conduct exercises with Venezuela's navy. In related news, Sylvester Stallone is prepping Rocky VII, which features a rematch with Ivan Drago. When asked for comment about the maneuver, Russian President Vladimir Putin looked at the reporter and said, "I must break you."
SAM'S THE MAN
Oklahoma's Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy this weekend, beating out Texas quarterback Colt McCoy and Florida's Tim Tebow. He was the second sophomore to win the prize (Tebow was the first when he won last year). Now Tebow and Bradford will face off in the national championship when Oklahoma and Florida play each other in the Orange Bowl on January 8. For Longhorn fans who dislike Florida (ME), cheering in this game is like the opposite of Sophie's choice.
GET THE RAID
Scientists have discovered more than 1,000 new species of insects and animals in Southeast Asia, including the world's largest huntsman spider - leg span of 12 inches - and the multi-colored "dragon millipede", which produces cyanide. I think I speak for all Southeast Texans when I say, "How is it possible to discover MORE BUGS?" Especially a foot-long spider and a millipede that spurts deadly poison. Is the world clean out of cute/cuddly, undiscovered species?
TOM CRUISE IS STILL HERE
Because his new movie Valkyrie is opening soon - where he plays a German, but speaks English with no accent - or because he really means it, Tom Cruise has officially apologized to Matt Lauer for lambasting him a while back on the Today show. Again, if I may speak for Southeast Texans...ahem..."Tom, you're 'Maverick' days are over. Because you worship aliens, we will never NOT think you're crazy, and some of us are still living in tents, so GO AWAY."
Whew! I'm spent. If I missed something wacky, feel free to be a team player and email me at mdanelo@beaumontenterprise.com or hit up the Comments section.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Step away from the Bluetooth
My awesome colleague Jane McBride sent me an article from MSNBC that discusses the seven gadgets that make you look like a jerk.
On the list is the Bluetooth headset, something that I feel is gravely misused in Southeast Texas.
Now, I own a Bluetooth. It was a great Christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law, because they both know that I like talking on the phone, as well as making sandwiches - ergo, I can now do both at the same time.
But with great wireless power comes great responsibility, which is why the Bluetooth should never be worn outside of any sort of private space like your office, home, or car.
Why you ask? Allow me to enumerate:
1. You're not on Star Trek. No one is going to beam you up any time soon. Unless you're an engineer on the USS Enterprise, you'll have no need to slap one on, press your finger to your ear and yell in a Scottish brogue about not having the power.
2. You don't always need to kill two birds. If your walking down the street, through a restaurant, in a store, or around other public place there's no reason why you can't just HOLD the phone. Unless you're doing all of those things in a Janet Jackson video, take the headset off.
3. You freak people out. For those who don't see your Bluetooth in your ear, you appear to be talking to yourself, and people who talk to themselves in public look crazy.
I get it. Gadgets are cool and this one is kind of awesome. But you know what else is awesome? Not looking like a jerk.
So use the Bluetooth for good, my friends, not evil.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Snow - A user's guide
By the time you read this, the 3-4 inch blanket of lovely whiteness that covered Southeast Texas last night will probably have vanished, sucked away by our sub-tropical sandy soil. BTW...it's also supposed to be 70 degrees this weekend.
Sigh...Winter, we hardly knew ye.
No matter, we still got more snow than many-a-Texan will experience this year. However, since The Mont rarely experiences snow - the last time was supposedly in the 80's - I'm not sure people here took full advantage of it.
Which is why, as part of my commitment to service journalism, I've decided create a user's guide to snow for all of Southeast Texas to reference the next time this phenomenon occurs.
Think of it as my holiday gift to you. (You're welcome. No need to give a return gift unless you have any excess cash lying around you've been meaning to give away.)
MEvBLOG's GUIDE TO SNOW:
1. The Color of Snow - It's frozen water. Sort of like ice - that stuff you put in sweet tea - only not as jagged and hard. When snow is yellow or brown LEAVE IT ALONE. If you see children approach yellow or brown snow TACKLE THEM and wrestle them into submission. It'll be painful, but you'll thank me later.
2. Snow Day - The free holiday you get from school because studies have shown that snow inhibits a child's ability to learn. It also inhibits an adult's ability to drive - more than usual if you're from Louisiana - thus, they cannot take kids to school. Full advantage should be taken of the snow day by playing outside as much as possible and demanding hot cocoa with marshmallows upon your return home.
3. Snow People - They used to be "Snow Men" but then the ACLU got a hold of the weather - we think via Al Gore - and now the jolly souls with corn cob pipes, button noses, and two eyes made out of coal, are non-gender specific. If you have children, you are required to construct them, and follow up the building project with an play-by-play review over hot cocoa with marshmallows.
4. Snow Angels - Fall on the ground and move your arms and legs like windshield wipers. Wear long sleeves. And make sure your shirt is tucked in - nothing covered by your pants should directly interact with the Winter Wonderland.
5. Snow Ball Fights - Probably the most important bi-product of snow. Constructing an arsenal by building a pyramid-shaped stack of snowballs is encouraged, not to mention patriotic as it recreates what our American Revolutionary forefathers did with cannonballs. Waiting for your parents to come around the corner, and then pelting them with snow balls, is NEVER appropriate and ALWAYS hilarious.
(Note to parents: Please don't send me hateful e-mails. Channel your anger into getting revenge on your kids. See how the snow can bring you together?)
Enjoy the snow while it lasts everyone!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Who bailed out my cheese?
The government, that's who.
Actually, the Italian government to be exact. This week they are buying 100,000 wheels of both Parmigiano Reggiano and Grana Padano from cheese manufacturers and donating them to different charities across the country.
Apparently Italian charities have been lacking that one crucial ingredient when feeding the hungry - a grated garnish.
The total cost of the bailout is around 50 million Euros - about $65 million - and that it's on the heels of the American government's multi-billion dollar, multi-industry bailout begs the following question:
What industry should be saved next?
Since world governments are obviously embracing the spirit of giving this season, we here at MEvBLOG have three suggestions as to who should be next in line for a Holiday Bailout. Feel free to suggest your own in the Comments section.
1. Gourmet Coffee - Starbucks recently closed almost 500 stores - but not the one in Beaumont! - and I think it's because people aren't reading newspapers like the used too. The paper-and-coffee combo of yore has now given way to the Internet-and-free-tap-water combo that's much more affordable these days.
2. Mall Santas - The retail industry is suffering because high unemployment means no disposable income, which means no money to shop, thus no money to spend on waiting in line to see the fake Santa at the mall who might be a little toasted from a secret flask hidden under the sleigh by one of the elves. A bailout for them would mean an actual miracle on 34th Street.
3. FEMA - Because no matter how much it's learned from Katrina and Rita, the organization is hopelessly screwed up. So take the "Bruce Wayne Approach" and throw some money at it in the hopes it'll go backpack around Southeast Asia for a while, and come back ready to serve the public with Ninja-like precision.
Seriously, American government. Hook a brother up. I've got Italy on hold.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
An open letter to Science
Dear Science,
We're impressed. You've really done it this time. This weekend in India, you helped a woman give birth to twins. No big deal for you - you cured small pox, right? - but there was a kicker.
She's 70 years old.
We've got to hand it to you. Nothing gets you down. Not those pesky folks purporting intelligent design, or even the fact that Al Gore is now head of your environmental division.
When life hands you lemons, you clone them.
Kudos are also in order for helping the other 70 year-old woman who gave birth in India this year, as well as a 66 year-old woman in Spain. All three received IVF treatment - from you, ya big stud.
And while all of this is very impressive, I've got one question...
Is this a trend? Is birthing children going to take the place of mall walking now? Will Chuck E. Cheese start having early bird specials?
We're not judging you, Science, it's just that we've never known any 70 year old - and yes, we've actually known quite a few...we have a wide range of family and friends here at MEvBLOG - who would ever be interested in raising a child at that age.
What happens when your child is playing and you can't play with him/her because...well...you CAN'T play?
Isn't the average life expectancy in India in the 60-ish range, so aren't the chances of seeing your child graduate from high school slim to none? You could forget about ever seeing them get married, right?
That's more than one question, but you get where we're coming from.
We have a lot of respect for active seniors. Our grandmother is 80, walks several miles a day, does both Tai Chi and Yoga, works in her garden, volunteers in the community and still lives independently. And never once has she said, "I've already raised five crazy, Italian children, but I miss the diapers, and crying, and car sickness, and calls from the school saying my son was in a fight, and I think now would be a great time to relive all of that."
What we're really asking here, Science, is when will you DRAW THE LINE? When will you say..."Eh, I'm not sure if a 70 is the best age to be raising children. Let's go find a cure for cancer instead. Or AIDS. Or heart disease."
We could be off here. After all, the only one of your classes we took in college was Beaches and Shorelines, so we'll defer to you on most of this stuff.
But we think we speak for most people when I say, "C'mon...A 70 YEAR-OLD NEW MOM? REALLY?"
All the best,
MEvBLOG
P.S. We really do feel for you on that Al Gore thing.
Monday, December 8, 2008
This one time, at band camp...
This past weekend, the Ozen High School Marching Band won 2nd place in the "VH1 Save the Music" competition in Los Angeles and was the ONLY Texas school in the competition.
The first place winner - who I assume only won because they hired Nick Cannon and the other guy from Drumline who's now in Heroes - won $10,000 to spend on new instruments and uniforms.
The second place winner got to go to LA and sneak out of the hotel after curfew to try and stalk the cast of Twilight.
Plus they got to help "save" the music, which must make them like the "Musical Incredibles," which has to be an honor.
I think this is kind of a big deal so, if you know anyone in the Ozen marching band, be sure to congratulate them on being an instrumental superhero.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Drink. Drive. Kill Santa.
This weekend kicks off the Annual Holiday Party Season - the official time of year (I just made up) when offices, clubs, friends, etc. will have seasonal celebrations, most involving alcohol and some with an awkward sort of gift exchange.
To help curb drunk driving - a lesson we ALL should have learned by now despite the fact that there were almost 3,500 fatalities in Texas in 2006 caused by drunk driving - the Texas Department of Transportation designed the print ad to the right.
And I think it's awesome, despite that fact that Claymation Santa's eyes are bugging out something fierce. Is he being attacked by the California Raisins? Are the reindeer turning on him in rebellion?
That could also explain why Santa looks like he's about to "draw" a-la the OK Corral, though he might need to stand that way in order to hold up his hat with a fuzzy cotton ball the size of his head.
I've no rational explanation for why he's wearing high-heeled boots.
Anyway, if the idea of being responsible for the death of Santa makes you think twice before getting behind the wheel - even if you're just a little buzzed from only a couple drinks - think about how you'd feel if you killed someone real...like someone's parents. Or grandparents. Or brother. Or sister.
This ad is creative and funny, while still sending a sober message. We laugh at the bad rhyming and cubist rendering of Claymation Santa while still realizing that if we killed Santa, we'd snuff out the the dreams of children all over the world.
So think twice before driving drunk this holiday season. To help, here are a few numbers for local cabs in Southeast Texas who are open late at night to take you home:
Beaumont Taxi - (409) 893-1318
Texas Cab Company - (409) 861-2320
Now...commence official enjoyment of your Annual Holiday Party Season!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Governor K?
Today, Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison filed the necessary papers that will allow her to form an exploratory committee needed to run for Governor of Texas in 2010.
Still-Gov. Perry has said on numerous occasions that he plans to run for reelection again in 2010 and added, "My hair is better than hers."
Sen. Hutchison responded by saying, "I'm coming for YOU Perry! I am the greatest!"
Could this the beginning of another ultra-long electoral, knock-down, drag-out?
That high-pitched noise you hear is the media collectively squealing with delight.
May I ask who's calling?
Yesterday Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, a Republican congresswoman from South Florida, got a call from President-elect Barack Obama. Two calls actually.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Food + Football = Happy
As you know, two of my favorite things are food and competition so, last week, the opportunity to eat and watch college football topped my personal list of things for which I was thankful.
The Longhorns' and Trojans' victories almost made up for the fact that Baylor didn't quite seal the deal with Tech - Come ON Baylor! You HAD THEM! - and the Seminoles got summarily trounced by their rival Gators.
I had a great time cheering and jeering at different TV's around the Mont, which was great, because I got to figure our some of the best places to both watch sports and partake in tasty eats.
Applebee's, 4375 Dowlen Road, Beaumont
What sets this apart from the rest of the chain stores, and other sports bars for that matter, isn't the food, but the Sound Dog speakers at each table in the bar area. You can control what you hear from any of the ten flat-screens TV's and easily switch between games. It's like channel surfing at a bar - Brilliant!
Buffalo Wild Wings, 3939 Dowlen Road, Beaumont and 8845 Memorial/Hwy 69, Port Arthur
It would probably take the medal for the "All Around" in a local sports bar competition. They've got lots of TV's, and show everything on them. The wings are great, come in several flavors, and you can get boneless if that's your thing. And if the games are boring, or you're team is losing, go hang out at the bar and play trivia.
Madison's, 4020 Dowlen Road, Beaumont
The food isn't great, and kind of overpriced, but they've got two great viewing options for game day: 1) Stay inside and watch a game projected on the big screen, or 2) Head outside and watch it projected on the side of the building next door.
The West, 6445 Calder Road, Beaumont
If you're going to get into a fight with people over a game, then immediately become their friend and buy them a round, this is the place that's most likely to happen. The greasy hamburgers, inexpensive suds and rowdy atmosphere will remind you of every college bar you frequented back in the good old days.
Just remember though, these days hangovers might not go away as quickly as they used to, which makes it all the more painful when you realize the BCS just cheated your team out of its deserved shot at the Big XII championship.
Monday, December 1, 2008
'Australia' - the (sorta) condensed version
This past Saturday, the Mont was a little blustery and, thus, a perfect day to head to the movies. Since I don't care to ever see Twilight again, and can't justify paying actual money for the likes of Four Christmases, I settled into a theater (free from pre-teen girls) and experienced Australia with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.
Now, I say "experienced," because going to this movie is really like going to three movies for the price of one - something I've done before, only I actually saw three different movies.
I'd read some reviews prior to going, all which warned that the film's running time was similar to the same time it would take to cross the titular continent. And they were right.
This movie is lo-o-ong. And I was fine with that. I love BIG, EPIC, LONG movies. As long as stuff is happening and no one is just staring at each other for stretches at a time...I'm good.
WARNING: Spoilers below
Australia reminded me of Giant, or Gone With the Wind - Wait! Calm down! Let me explain! - in that it's very melodramatic, predictable and encompasses WAY too much, but is still grand. Many would argue that it tries too hard, which it does, but if you've got the time there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy it for what it is because, as much as I love both Giant and Gone With the Wind, they wouldn't be hits today.
But if you don't want to set several hours of your life aside for the sake of cinematic melodrama then A) Lighten up, and B) Read the (extremely) condensed version below:
AUSTRALIA! (cue music)
Old Aborigine Man: I'm mystical. See how I carry a staff and wear a loincloth? I define the Outback.
Sarah (Nicole Kidman): I'm leaving England for Australia to check up on my husband. I'm prim and proper. See me drink tea. Watch me use my riding crop.
Drover (Hugh Jackman): I'm a roughneck. See me fight roughnecks at a bar. I don't shave. I am Drover.
Sarah: Take me to my cattle ranch.
Drover: Done. It's two days across the Outback. Plenty of time for me to show off my pecs.
Sarah: You're despicable and manly.
Drover: You're pompous and hot.
Old Aborigine Man: Still here. Still mystical. Still in a loincloth.
Sarah: My husband is dead, I will take over his cattle ranch and attempt to adopt his Aborigine help.
Drover: Whatever.
Sarah: Help me drive the cattle to Darwin.
Drover: I can't. I'm a loner. My wife died of TB.
Nicole Kidman: (breaks character) OMG! GET OUT! I also died of TB in the other movie Baz Luhrman directed about Love Against All Odds - not to be confused with the opera Baz Luhrman directed about Love Against All Odds where the woman dies of TB.
Old Aborigine Man: If I stand on one leg in my loincloth long enough maybe someone will buy me a Bloomin' Onion.
Drover: I'm a Drover. Let's drove.
Sarah: Thought you'd never ask. Stay with me and help me run my cattle ranch.
Drover: But, I'm a Drover.
Sarah: Right, you mentioned that...
Drover: DON'T FENCE ME IN!
Sarah: Don't leave me, they took my non-adopted Aborigine son-boy!
Fletcher: I'm a bad guy. See my sinister mustache. It's not a full stubbly Man-beard like the Drover's.
Sarah: Give me back my non-adopted Aborigine son-boy!
Fletcher: It's World War II! The Japanese are attacking Darwin!!
Drover: Sarah's dead? I must save our non-adopted Aborigine son-boy from the Japanese!
Old Aborigine Man: Seriously, maybe you'll all notice me if I paint myself and chant on this water tower. I AM MYSTICAL, DAMMIT! BTW...why do I keep hearing "Over the Rainbow?"
Drover/Sarah: You're alive!
Drover: I saved our non-adopted Aborigine son-boy.
Fletcher: Ow! Who stabbed me with a...pipe?
Old Aborigine Man: HA! How do you like me now, Whitey?
Drover/Sarah: Back to the cattle ranch...forever.
THE END
Don't panic. The auto company bailout is solved.
If your family is anything like mine, in addition to eating twice your body weight on Thanksgiving Day, you also took turns ranting about the current state of the world. (And I say "took turns" loosely, because in my family you speak if/when the other person takes a short breath and you can quickly start talking over them. Then it's your "turn" until you have to breathe.)
Anyway, at the top of our agenda was whether or not the Big Three auto companies (GM, Ford, Chrysler) should get a piece of the sweet bailout pie our government is now serving.
Despite the fact that a couple of Southeast Texas dealerships are expanding, for a couple of decades now American automakers have been losing money and are on the verge of bankruptcy.
But I have the solution to their problems.
I think the oil companies should bailout the auto companies.
Hear me out because, when you think about it, it's really all about manners.
Even though bankruptcy isn't the kiss of death, just ask the airlines, with almost $19 billion in record profits last year, oil companies aren't hurting for cash. I'd say it's only fair to say "Thank you" to those that have made them what they are today.
Part of why American auto companies are losing money is because they've been making unreliable cars that guzzle expensive gas. Like Hummers. Which no one needs. NO ONE. If you have a Hummer, no offense, but Southeast Texas isn't the African bush. It's not even Louisiana. It has normal roads rendering a Hummer completely UNNECESSARY.
Not that I'm not saying SUV's are bad. But, like guns and cologne, they should be used responsibly. If American automakers had planned ahead, most of their inventory might consist of cars with better gas mileage that are easier to sell in this economy.
But they didn't. And now their stuck with thousands of Hummers that can forge the Neches River, but can't go to Houston without stopping for gas.
So come on Big Oil. It's time to step up and dance with the one who made you filthy rich.
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