He's Just Not That Into You - the condensed version

To the guys who may be asked to take their girlfriends to He's Just Not That Into You for Valentine's Day, we strongly urge you to create an explosive diversion and escape far away with your beloved.

It's not that this movie is terrible, so much as the people in it are terrible, as in they are terribly stupid, terribly cloying and terrible whiny. This is really too bad because there's not an actor in the bunch we dislike.

The saving grace comes in the form of Ginnifer Goodwin (Big Love) and Justin Long (the "Mac" guy), who represent the "every-man/woman." Each charmingly captures the notions that made the non-fiction book on which the film is based a best-seller.

They are funny and endearing, especially Goodwin who - like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's - manages to be the most adorable kind of nutcase. Every other character we'd like to beat silly with a cane.

If it's a Sunday afternoon, it's raining, and nothing else is in your DVR queue, then watch it. Otherwise, you'll be fine with the condensed version here.

Warning: Minimal spoilers below

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
The movie opens with women of every culture giving bad advice to their friends about why a guy isn't calling them. Particularly offensive/funny is the African tribal scene when one tribal woman says, "Maybe he forgot your hut number?"

Move to a date between Ginnifer Goodwin and "E" from Entourage who looks a hobbit and always seems bummed (like he slept through hobbit auditions for The Lord of the Rings).

In a hip, trendy Baltimore restaurant...

Ginnifer Goodwin: (smiles cutely) This is a great. I love dates! Aren't we having fun?

Kevin Connolly: Yeah. Whatever. I'm just here because my agent packaged me in this movie.

Ginnifer Goodwin: (smiles sweetly) Umm...Ok...well...call me!

Kevin Connolly: Sure. (walks away and calls The Johansson) Hi. How are you? Can I see you? I miss you? Is this annoying? Am I bothering you? You just told me not to touch you, and didn't say anything about calling. I'm NOT TOUCHING so you can't get mad! NOT TOUCHING! CAN'T GET MAD!

In a hip, trendy Baltimore market...

The Johansson: I must hang up on you. I'm seducing Will Tippin from Alias in the supermarket.

Bradley Cooper: Damn. You're hot. How's my dental work?

The Johansson: It's perfect. Like me. For I am THE JOHANSSON!

Bradley Cooper: I'm married to the chick from A Beautiful Mind.

The Johansson: Is she as boobtacular as THE JOHANSSON?

Bradley Cooper: Negative. But she's a much better actress.

In a hip trendy Baltimore bar...

Ginnifer Goodwin: (smiles adorably) Why isn't that small be-freckled man I went out with calling me?

The Mac Guy: I know him. He's not calling you. He's not into you. Trust me. I own a bar. Plus, my operating system can multi-task without freezing up and rebooting.

In a hip trendy Baltimore loft...

Ben Affleck: I love you baby. Don't you love our loft? With all the awesome exposed brick? Baltimore is amazing. With amazing architecture and great places for wealthy white folk like us to live.

Jennifer Aniston: I know. It's almost like The Wire and Homicide never happened. BTW...I want to get married. Marry me or move out.

Ben Affleck: Wow...um no. I'll go live on my boat. Thanks though.

Jennifer Aniston: FINE! You're just like HIM! HE said the the same thing and the next thing you know HE'S on the cover of Us Weekly with HER and now THEY live in France and flaunt their Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat of babies wherever they go!

Ben Affleck: I don't think this is about me any more...

In a hip trendy Baltimore workspace...

Ginnifer Goodwin: (smiles SO cutely) I think the Mac guy likes me.

Jennifer Connelly: Sure. Whatever. My husband with the perfect smile is cheating on me with THE JOHANSSON. And I have an Oscar. I don't stand a chance in this movie.

In a hip trendy Baltimore magazine...

Drew Barrymoore: Why can't I meet a nice single straight man? I mean...I try! I surround myself with dozens of gay men at a magazine for gay men and give/get advice from gay men all day. WHAT am I doing wrong?

In a hip trendy Baltimore office...

The Johansson: You may seduce me again.

Bradley Cooper: Yeah...I'm over it.

The Johansson: But...I am THE JOHANSSON! I will reign down SENSUAL FIRE upon you from my SUPPLE LIPS!

Bradley Cooper: I've got perfect orthodontia baby. I'll survive.

In a hip trendy Baltimore duplex...

The Mac Guy: Yeah...I'm not really into you. But, if you want, I could you hook up with a discounted iPhone.

Ginnifer Goodwin: (smiles SO cutely AND adorably) I may over analyze every little thing a guy does or says. And I may put myself out there WAY too much. And I may ALWAYS get cast in a supporting role. But at least I have hope that my spunky cuteness will make that part the the only good role in a movie of people you want to strap to a Slapping Machine.

The Mac Guy: Yeah...it turns out I'm totally into you after all.

Ginnifer Goodwin: (squeals and claps)

THE END