Well Hello Dolly!
Right...you've probably heard that one before. Sorry.
We bid you good day from Southeast Texas, home of many of your fans, lots of women who strive to look like you and this guy who might be venturing into restraining order territory.
(We kid, "The Dolly Lover!" His obsession seems perfectly reasonable.)
Anyway, the real reason we're writing to you today is because of an article we read this morning that informed us of the following things:
1. It is widely speculated that you are a lesbian.
2. You have written a children's book.
3. You appeared in an episode of "Hannah Montana."
This is a lot of information to take in over coffee and a muffin and, frankly, we're not quite sure where to begin.
Do we start with the lesbian thing? Can we really call this an actual thing? After all, you have been married for over four decades to the same man and - while we're sure any woman with a penchant for other women could appreciate your...voluminous assets - we seriously doubt you lean that way. We choose to dismiss this as a silly rumor that curiously surfaces whenever you have a new record/movie/theme park opening.
How about this children's book? What sort of theme will be going on there? We can only assume one of the possible title's kicked around was "The Best Little Playground in Texas." Keep us posted on that one. It sounds...promising.
Finally..."Hannah Montana?" Really? According to this eye-opening article, you guest-starred as her Aunt Dolly. This doesn't make us sad so much as confused. Of course, every generation deserves its own bubble-gum pop to distract it from the fact that growing up is hard, but you're not their bubble gum. You're our bubble gum. You're bubble gum for older generations.
Besides...isn't there an Opryland clause somewhere that forbids you from sharing any venue - be it stage or small screen - with Billy Ray Cyrus? Well...we think there should be. And we're pretty sure The Dolly Lover would agree with us.
All the best,
MEvBLOG
P.S. You do know we'll always love you...right? Just checking.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
An open letter to Dolly Parton
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3 comments:
When one is the totally righteous, fully anointed,worshiped in every venue,Queen of all singers/songwriters, one can be whatever one wishes to be. If she so chooses, and wished to be, oh, I don't know, the owner of my dog and parent of my children and grandchildren AND wanted my pickup truck, well, I'd just fork everything over to her AND throw in my entire collection of Harry Potter novels. Because, darn it, she's Dolly. That's all there is to it!!
Re: Anne
Sounds like you and The Dolly Lover have a lot in common. ;-)
I actually had the pleasure of hanging with Miss Parton one evening many years ago and have met her a couple of other times (okay ONE other time). She is an absolute delight and one of the tiniest creatures known to man (with a couple of exceptions). As for the lesbian rumors, it has long been speculated that her "assistant" is actually her significant other. And her husband is a farmer.
PS My word verification was "horbuf." which I am certainly not.
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