Dear Martha Stewart,
This is wrong. Very, very, very wrong.
Granted, I am biased as I have very strong feelings against personifying something which I'm about to chew. (Remember when Domino's ran that commercial with those weird-ass brownies that show up at your door inviting you to eat a pan of weird-ass brownies? Gross.)
However, this is way worse than that because it's not "personifying" food as much as it's "foodifying" a person. A very little, confused, and scared looking person, who looks like it's about to be consumed with a side of Nana's candied yams and a slice of bourbon pecan pie for dessert.
Therefore, I revoke your privileges of advice-giving on Halloween costumes. Yes, I have that power. No you can't appeal this or throw money at me...unless it's a lot of money. I might bend for a certain number. Or for your house in the Hamptons.
Anyway, let's never ever think of this again - and lock it away with those other creepy babies-in-food-and-flowers-pictures-from-the-nineties-that-were-popular-for-reasons-no-one-can-explain.
Now, If you would kindly agree to make me my very own bourbon pecan pie, and get me on the list for a party on P. Diddy's yacht, all will be forgiven.
Sincerely,
MEvBLOG
Sunday, October 18, 2009
An open letter to Martha Stewart
Friday, October 9, 2009
T-G-I-Seriously???
Let me just say that my Friday has already gotten very weird.
First of all, there's the waking up in a non-drunken-hung-over-daze-of-frustration at the Crap that was the Boston Red Sox last night. (Jon Lester...you pitched the Sox to a World Series victory in '07, you pitched a no-hitter in Kansas City in '08, and before all of that you kicked cancer's ass. Sure, you're only 25 years old, but you're awesome so I'm setting the bar high. Therefore, THROW STRIKES. IT'S YOUR JOB...Damn, son.)
Then, there was the news that President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. And, though I voted for and still support him, I was somewhat surprised to learn that it didn't go to Bono, despite the most recent U2 album which wasn't really so bad as much as it was forgettable. As in I remember liking it when I bought it for $4.99 at Amazon, but am always newly surprised when I see it on my iPod.
But then - and this REALLY threw me for a loop - "Couples Retreat" rated just 11% at Rotten Tomatoes!! It looks hysterical in the previews, but apparently it's not - sort of like the American version of "The Office" - and now I feel disillusionment in addition to disappointment and confusion.
What I really need to do is get Jon Lester, President Obama and Vince Vaughn in a room together to explain things to me. And if that room happened to have hot chicks in orange short-shorts serving us beer and chicken wings, well...then Friday would turn into a win-win for everyone.
Friday, October 2, 2009
The Olympics and Oprah
I mean, let's be honest...did America really think it had a chance at getting the 2016 Olympics? Sure, Chicago is a great city and huge sports town, but let's look at what some of the other finalists had going for them:
Tokyo - The Japanese cultural rivalry with China would have been in full effect via the Opening Ceremonies. The government would have probably commissioned Sony Labs to create a fire breathing Godzilla that would have lit the Olympic torch.
Madrid - Sure Barcelona already represented the country back in '92, but Spain's capital would've made a the perfect locale for a world-wide festival. And we'd all have paid good money to see wee, little Bob Costas dressed as a matador, right?
Rio de Janero - First host city in South America + the world's most beautiful people who hardly ever wear clothes = global unification at its best.
So yes, Chicago is a historic melting pot that could easily host a gazillion athletes and toursists, but without Godzilla, bull fighting, and luscious booty-shaking, you can see how it easily got usurped.
However, the real loser in all this is really Oprah Winfrey. It must totally suck to be her right now. No, think about it...one day you're worth $2.7 billion and the next you lose $400 million and are worth ONLY $2.3 billion. One month the entire city of Chicago forgoes any/all sense of shame to perform a choreographed dance in your honor, and the next people are blaming you for distracting the President from the war in Afghanistan. (Honestly Oprah...Obama's not Gail.)
It's OK Oprah...I'm sure you can find someone who will hug you for an easy $50K. (I'd do it for half.) If only you'd invested in your own fire-breathing Godzilla instead of starting that school for girls in South Africa...So. Selfish.
Posts
